Winding Down

As many of you will have noticed over the past couple of months, the frequency with which I post is dwindling. This is not a reflection of my desire to post ... trust me .. the desire to write remains ... but it is indicative of the real lack of "news".

This forum has served many purposes. In the very beginning, it took some of the pressure off Ciaran. Despite his many talents ... press officer was a new one. I think, at times, all the medical terminology overwhelmed him and I think he truly understood only half of what was going on. All he cared about was whether his brother was --- at first ... going to live; and later ... going to be whole. And you know what ... with all the medical techno-jargon that I have picked up over the past 6 and a half months; I think Ciaran had it right. However -- for me --- being able to write it all down, having a record of what was happening hour by hour, day by day --- was a means for me to put order to the chaos that was my mind at the time. I look back at some of the older posts ... the posts that occurred while Conor was still on life support ... and I am able to vividly relive those days ... I am able to feel what I felt at the time with all the intensity. I get goose bumps. I am both amazed and proud of how Ciaran and I were able to survive those early days. The blog is a permanent record of that accomplishment. More than anything though ... the blog was a vehicle for my hope, my fears, my gratitude. It was (and to a certain extent still is) cathartic and therapeutic. I shall miss it when it goes ... not today my friends ... but soon. The road to recovery is almost complete.

An update . . .

On 18 May, Conor had an appointment with his orthopaedic surgeon for his leg. There appears to have been some cartilage damage (go figure) and his ortho has referred him to a sports medicine specialist. For all you aging athletes out there ... you may know of what I speak. Conor's cruciate ligaments (both anterior and posterior) are extremely loose. They are not holding Conor's knee joint together well enough for real strengthening to take place. Hopefully ... on 18 June, we will see what is planned. As for the ortho ... he is scheduling Conor to have the bolts in his knee removed ... six months ahead of schedule. The bolts cause Conor considerable pain whenever he moves as they jut out a few millimeters and rub on the soft tissue surrounding the knee. Again ... this is impeding Conor's progress with physio ... as he has reached a plateau. He really can't go any further until the bolts are removed. So hopefully ... in the next few weeks ... Conor will undergo "Day Surgery" for the removal. The ortho is certain that the recovery will be speedy.

Today, we went again to visit the wrist specialist. We were able to look at Conor's wrist today ...vs... on 18 November ... and well --- I cried. Remember back in the beginning, an ICU nurse told me that the true sign of progress was the removal of all the equipment, and the lack of interested doctors. Well today ... we have one less doctor. The "rice krispies" have bonded together to create a fully functional and strong wrist. He was amazed at Conor's improvement and very satisfied that he made the right decision in NOT operating. He talked seriously to Conor about career choices and recommended something that did not rely heavily on the wrist ... but reiterated that there was pretty well nothing he could not do with the wrist. Again ... I cried. Such incredible relief. Conor really doesn't know what to do when I have these little meltdowns ... but then again who would? I tried to explain that I can only afford to fall apart when the crisis is over. Another piece of armour can be laid to rest.

Tomorrow Conor goes for two days' worth of neuropsychological testing. To say that he is not looking forward to this --- is an understatement. He dreads it and doesn't see the point. I tried to convince him to think of it like a final exam. If he passes ... then the "brain injury" is officially no longer an issue and he can focus solely on this leg. Not sure whether he's buying into it!

In my opinion ... the cognitive impairment ... is a non-issue. As far as I can see ... and what do I know ... I'm just his mum ... he's completely back to normal. He has bought himself a little car (1996 Honda Civic hatchback) and is so enjoying the independence the car gives him. He goes out to visit his friends and is even coaching his old soccer team on Sunday evenings. Now that both boys are driving ... yes, Ciaran has his licence now ... God's highlights (my hairdresser's term for grey hairs) have increased. But -- suck it up mum ... the boys have got to live their lives. Would I prefer to wrap them up in cotton wool and keep them safely tucked away at home? You betcha! But, I'm afraid that would not be fair. They are young and ...they are entitled to make their own mistakes. Sometimes, the hardest part of being a parent ... is allowing them to make those mistakes.

As for me ... I am fine. I seem to be in a constant state of preparedness ... ready at a second's notice to do battle again. I know this is not ideal ... and I would love to be able to retire the "armour" for good ... but realistically, this will not be possible for a while. Day by day, I find it a little easier to relax ... but I am a long way from "laid back". I am reasonably healthy and happy ... and for that I am thankful. The rest will come ... in the fullness of time! A good start will be my little trip through the Rockies at the end of June. No children ... only good friends and good times. Sounds idyllic ... and I am soooo looking forward to it.

I will post again ... but truth be told ... the end of that "road to recovery" is very near at hand. I shall very much miss sitting in front of my computer ... a Starbucks or a Drambuie in hand ... pouring out my soul to all of you. God willing I will post again in early July to update you all on Conor's bolt removal and cartilage repair. Hard to believe how far we've come in the six months this blog has existed. Although my faith was strong ... it was laced with some elements of doubt. That doubt has thankfully been put aside and my faith has been confirmed. Life, my friends, no matter how bleak at times ... is good. Stay well all ... God bless till we speak again